post-valentine's day self-examination.


jessica, evelyn, zoe, serah, jae, jackie, tia.

nan, emily, helen, carolyn, sarah, rachel, janet, angela, jane, rosa, yeoni, jessi, alarice.

list #1.
the girls i've fallen for.

list #2
the girls i know who have loved me.


the problem lies in the entire lack of overlap. dear lord, i am a jackass. stupid beyond words, physical expression cannot convey the depth, the magnitude of my ineptitude, my simple inability to find happiness for myself. they say even a blind pig occasionally stumbles upon an acorn. i cannot compete with the blind pig.

Rachel, it seems, has found peace in her life. I am entirely jealous. Not of her joy. I would never begrudge her that. I am envious of her fiance. That could have been me. Unfortunately, I made some stupid moves. It's so sad. I look back and see that I could easily have infinitely happier.

Except I'm an idiot.

How did you end up like this? He was overwhelmed by a sense, no, a suffocating stench of failure. He had also been watching too muc "Jerry Maguire". He wondered how he would manage to find hi sway out of the miserable fog he found he was entangled within. But life would go on, right? He'd make his way out. Somehow.

He found himself in the middle of nowhere. How he ended his wanderings out in the middle of the desert was beyond him, yet seems such an appropriate outcome. Sarah is another. She's pretty. Her friends are gorgeous. How appropriate.

He was so very stupid.

But it was decision time again.


Jackie or Jessie.

a happy valentine's day.

i didn't even realize it was the fourteenth of february until well past midday.

i wandered about the city as if lost, looking desperately for something.



what the hell am i looking for?



love? i gave up on that nonsense some time ago.

happiness? as each day goes by, i realize what a futile pursuit this is.

money? perhaps that's what the goal should be. after all. isn't that what everyone wants?




but i don't care for it. i'll be good with a middling salary. but everyone else invests so much worth in the almighty dollar. and so. again. everyone else decides how my life will be led. give me a reason. give me a reason. give me a reason. a reason. a reason. a reason.

you need one to live. you need one to survive. drifting aimlessly is the most tortuous way to die in the ocean, i've heard.

it's been a long time. perhaps too long. but it seems i've lost my muse.

i haven't written a thing in some time, and all of the words that used to circulate and swarm and aggregate in jumbles have all dissipated, washed away into the ether.

what has happened?

where am i going?

who knows who knows.


and this is costing me.

easyeverything.