...ñýäñ(Áö¾Ö) - À¯¿µÁø

i've been thinking of this song for days now, with the lyrics wandering through my head. the title and singer came to mind just now.


i believe he speaks for us.

¿ì¸° ´Ù½Ã ¸¸³ª¾ß¸¸ ÇØ.

i've just had the strangest dream.

i was at a supermarket. no, a grocery store, along the lines of dean and deluca. in my basket, i had all sorts of exotic and rare foods. wandering around the aisles, i come across a section of pornography. even my subconscious is apparently in the gutter. i shy away, as it's not something i look for while shopping for food. but the curiosity is getting to me, and i do wonder what sort of pornography is in a grocery store. i manage to stay away, mostly because there are people milling about the section, but as i go to pay, someone has called the store, and is looking for me. the loudspeaker goes off, searching for 'chang', 'kang chang'. the cashier looks at me, and goes, aren't you "'kang chang'?" in korean. and i say no. i don't really know why i deny it, but i do. i tell her, my name is 'kang changbum', but she looks at me with a strange look on her face. she insists it's for me. so i take the call.

on the line is a girl's voice. one i recognize from somewhere, but i can't place it. she tells me she can't believe she's talking to me, and she uses the tense and tone of lovers. i speak in stiff, formal korean, and ask who she is. she's obviously hurt, and there is a palpable pause, but she just tells me to wait there, and that she'll be right there. i ask her to identify herself again, in the formal tense. she keeps telling me she's so happy to hear my voice, and that she'll be right there. i drop the stiff tone, and pretending like i remember her, i ask where she is. the phone dies. absolutely no sound out of the handset. i hold on to it for a moment, but the cashier takes it back. i wonder who she is. her voice is one i remember. one i've heard before. and yet...

and there i wake up. while i sit up and think about it, i realize how many girls i've hurt with my obtuse and insensitive behavior. their emotions were such a hassle to deal with, especially when it was blatant and embarrassingly obvious. i've never been good at dealing with another's affections, especially when i receive the unrequited sort. a childish little boy i am. and i am sorry for it.



tell me of your dreams, darling.

today, i sat alone and thought about the people i've been surrounded by.

everywhere i've been, i've had some wonderful friends. the endless hours entertaining ourselves with alcohol and women and stupid people, the countless times consoling each other from the pain the world deals out, the mindless moments amusing each other. friends for life.

all my life, i've been loved by spectacular women. strong, beautiful, proud women. some were girls when i met them, only to grow into the form of goddess. some were older, wiser, and startling. you'd not believe the women in my life. they're the stuff of fairy tales, romantic comedies, and tabloids.

my family is textbook. solid, good-natured father. attractive, strong mother. pretty, overachieving sister. i am the apple of my grandparents' eyes, the loving recipient of my aunts' love, the pride of my uncles, the golden child in a heavenly family. an angel with wings.


take a look around. realize you are blessed.


i am truly blessed. and i don't know who to thank.

i called my mother.

i told her i was happy.

she cried.



what sort of life was that?

"girls never do get over their first love."

"nah, I'm over it." an innocent smile formed across her lips as she lied through her teeth.

"that's what you say."

"I'm just acknowledging the fact that I'll never feel quite that way for anyone else, 'cause that was what only 15 year old girls could feel"

I remembered my first love. "You'd be surprised."

Matter-of-factly, she watched deep into my eyes as she said, "Boys are the ones who never get over their first love."

I cracked. I had to look away and smile.

"You'd be amazed how many boys have told me the SAME story about their first gf in high school, as you have to me, recounting the memories, sweet and bitter, with amazing retention and attention to detail."

I could only laugh. "So maybe men are guilty too."

"Yup. It's got more impact because you wouldn't expect it of them."


hahah.... everyone falls in love at least once. everyone.