i've just had the strangest dream.

i was at a supermarket. no, a grocery store, along the lines of dean and deluca. in my basket, i had all sorts of exotic and rare foods. wandering around the aisles, i come across a section of pornography. even my subconscious is apparently in the gutter. i shy away, as it's not something i look for while shopping for food. but the curiosity is getting to me, and i do wonder what sort of pornography is in a grocery store. i manage to stay away, mostly because there are people milling about the section, but as i go to pay, someone has called the store, and is looking for me. the loudspeaker goes off, searching for 'chang', 'kang chang'. the cashier looks at me, and goes, aren't you "'kang chang'?" in korean. and i say no. i don't really know why i deny it, but i do. i tell her, my name is 'kang changbum', but she looks at me with a strange look on her face. she insists it's for me. so i take the call.

on the line is a girl's voice. one i recognize from somewhere, but i can't place it. she tells me she can't believe she's talking to me, and she uses the tense and tone of lovers. i speak in stiff, formal korean, and ask who she is. she's obviously hurt, and there is a palpable pause, but she just tells me to wait there, and that she'll be right there. i ask her to identify herself again, in the formal tense. she keeps telling me she's so happy to hear my voice, and that she'll be right there. i drop the stiff tone, and pretending like i remember her, i ask where she is. the phone dies. absolutely no sound out of the handset. i hold on to it for a moment, but the cashier takes it back. i wonder who she is. her voice is one i remember. one i've heard before. and yet...

and there i wake up. while i sit up and think about it, i realize how many girls i've hurt with my obtuse and insensitive behavior. their emotions were such a hassle to deal with, especially when it was blatant and embarrassingly obvious. i've never been good at dealing with another's affections, especially when i receive the unrequited sort. a childish little boy i am. and i am sorry for it.



tell me of your dreams, darling.